My favorites:
- "We have to be cool to everybody. Because the future is like a Japanese game show: You have no idea what’s going on."
- "No, I’ll brush my own teeth. Now I don’t want you to have any resentments towards me. From now on, I don’t want you to do anything for me."
- "Every day. I thought having a family was going to be like the Cosby Show. ‘Oh, no, Vanessa went to a concert. Oh, no, Rudy and I are making a sandwich for 25 minutes.’ The Cosby Show was a lie. Having a family can be the worst. For example, I have a strip club story from this weekend I need to tell you, Jackie D. It is disgusting. But I can’t because I got this little D-Bag here."
- "We’re gonna name her after the place that she was conceived. It was a pretty wild night, so we’re either gonna name her, Virginia, NetJet, or Bathroom at Teeterboro Airport."
- "Oh, yeah. There’s a garbage bag in the hallway with a reef shark in it. Just put him in the tub with a reef. What’s for dinner tonight? I want pierogies."
- "Can’t do it, Lee Lem. On Valentine’s Day, Angie and I rent a room with a heart shaped hot tub and cook chili in it. Then we take it to soup kitchen and that’s when it starts to get sexy!"
- "OK, but whoever she is needs to be someone as amazing as I am. I want to see a list of names. Like when they was looking for John McCain’s running mate. Hahaha. I’m kidding, this needs to be taken seriously."
- "I’ve seen a blind guy bite a police horse! A puppy committed suicide after he saw our bathroom! I once bit into a burrito and there was a child’s shoe in it! I’ve seen a hooker eat a tire! A pack of wild dogs took over and successfully ran a Wendy’s! The sewer people stole my skateboard! The projects I lived in were named after Zachary Taylor, generally considered to be one of the worst presidents of all time! I once saw a baby give another baby a tattoo! They were very drunk!"
-Emily :)
1 comment:
...I saw a crackhead breastfeeding a rat!
Ashford
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